Questions That Sound Better With Narcotics…

Hip surgery
Cruella, the evil machine…

by Jenny Hansen

Things are rolling along at the Hansen House after surgery last week to repair a torn labrum in my hip. I have tons of fun visitors with my sis and some BFFs dropping in to be sure I’m okay.

The down side is I have to spend SIX hours a day on that evil contraption to the right. I’ve named her Cruella and I hate her. I started at 45 degrees last Friday and I am up to 70 degrees. I have to get to 100 degrees by next week. Blurgh.

Note: My sister is a Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine, so she has lots of groovy biological explanations for stuff. And I have to admit, especially with my current level of painkillers, there are times when my answer to her groovy is, Hmmmmm.

Over the weekend, I convinced the team to let me have a glass of wine for Happy Hour, since “I deserved it after the Cruella torture.” [Hey, don’t judge.]

And (at least from my perspective) the conversation went like this:

My Sis: Do you know how to remove the back loins? Because I do, and they’re delicious.

Hubs: Isn’t that called Rocky Mountain Oysters?

Sis: That’s sheep’s balls. This was an elk. And it was the loins, not the testicles.

The rest of us: Hmmmmm.

Sis: How are you doing from the antibiotics?

Me: It’s a little rough and tumble. Most of me hates antibiotics, if you know what I mean.

Sis: Well they’ve got all sorts of things for that. Greek yogurt, baking soda mixtures.

Me: Greek yogurt in the Coo? Um, no.

BooBoo (that’s what I call my BFF) pipes in: Or, there’s suppositories.

Me: Suppositories?! Good Lord.

Sis: You just toss it in the vestibule *finger quotes* and leave it.

BooBoo: Yeah. They don’t sizzle, or bubble or anything.

Me and Hubs: *spitting liquid*

BooBoo: Do you have a douchebag?

Me: What? NO, I don’t have a douchebag!

Hubs: Well, she has me.

Me: And who even keeps around douchebags?

*All the women stared at me.*

BooBoo: You don’t have to go to the “adult store” to buy them. You can just go to any drugstore. You should buy one, just so you have one around.

My Sis: They even come in lavender and pink.

BooBoo: My mother used to hang them from the shower.

My Sis: My father used to use those on sinus infections when I was little.

BooBoo: I thought you used a neti pot for that.

My Sis: Well, I didn’t know! I was NINE!!

[We all commiserated over the foibles of fathers.]

My Sis: And why do they call people “douchebags?” Shouldn’t they call them a nozzle, since that’s what’s at the point of insertion? That seems like it might be more appropriate.

[I couldn’t even compute questions like that after my Vicodin and glass of wine.]

Me: Okay, I’ve got a question. Someone sent me this (turned my phone to show photo) and they said it looks like Jesus. And I’m kind of scared I’m taking too many narcotics, because this actually looks like Jesus to me. I’m also nervous to put it up on Facebook, in case the “too many drugs” part is true.

[Plus we’re all afraid we’re going to hell because we saw Jesus on a dog’s behind.]

Jesus Behind

I can only say that a whole new free-for-all began…And narcotics are a good thing.

Is it just my people who have conversations like this? And can you let me know if you see “the man in his robes” in that picture, or if it’s just the drugs? How do you combat total boredom during rehab? Continue the discussion at the #SocialIn hashtag on Twitter or SocialInDC on Facebook!

~ Jenny

About Jenny Hansen

By day, Jenny provides training and social media marketing for an accounting firm. By night she writes humor, memoir, women’s fiction and short stories. After 18 years as a corporate software trainer, she’s delighted to sit down while she works.

When she’s not at her personal blog, More Cowbell, Jenny can be found on Twitter at JennyHansenCA or at Writers In The Storm.

© 2014 Jenny Hansen. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact me at the above links to request permission.

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